Memories in Paraphrase

So here I am, in Olympia, now... My feet are cold, I hacked off a good majority of my hair so it's now down to my shoulders... but I should start at the beginning.

I left Oxnard, by train, leaving that precariously packed box of stuff there because it was too heavy and they were being assholes about it. I stood on the platform watching the train get in, my hands full, my wallet shoved with about $40 that I had to ask Peter to run and get because there was no ATM at the station as promised. Waiting for the train to get in was the worse, because it felt more like we were strangers that never met than anything else. He just stood there, a foot or so away, saying nothing, doing nothing, even when I burst into tears. I guess I should've just been used to it by then, the lack of comfort despite the way I felt. The train pulled up and I just told him I had to go, nothing else... and he just told me that he'd see me later. No hugs, no kisses, no final words of endearment... I couldn't say anything because by that point my throat was closed again.

On the train, I got a window seat and looked out and there he was, talking to some staff member or something... I started bawling more at that point. After we pulled away, I just sat there and stared out the window until I didn't recognize the area anymore. It was then I picked up the book ('Kushiel's Dart' -fantastic, btw, thanks, lyraalkara, I had to get the second one today.) and I read until I finally got a reservation for dinner.

After dinner, I took to my seat until around midnight or so, when we hit Sacramento, and I had to go to the bath room, just to find out that upon my retrun, my CD player was missing and the woman behind me 'didn't see anyone'. Yeah, that's right, the CD player, including the headphones and the mixed, burned CD of all of my Cure music was jacked. I get the last laugh, though... that CD player was so ghetto, the case was falling apart, the spring was missing and a lot of the time, you had to coerse it into working, not to mention the headphones you had to play around with the wire to get them to play in both years. I was somewhat amused by this karmic turn about. So, following that, I asked the guy in front of me if he had seen anyone, but no, he hadn't, he'd left his seat shortly after I did. The flip side to this, being that he gave me his CD player because he didn't use and didn't intend to. Amazing. And all I had to do was suffer through being hit on until we reached Chico.

After I finished my book (ploughed through about 800 pages that day), I went to sleep and woke up around 8:30 or something. After breakfast, I took up my copy of the Dark Ages Ravnos book and began to read that, though I wasn't quite as interested in it. Off and on dozing all that day and what not and I passed it with relative boringness until we reached Eugene, Oregon (I said hi to you kuritan in spirit) and I decided to hit up the cafe and hang out down there for a while. That's where I met these two guys, Justin and Paul and I talked to them for some time and just kicked back. That's how I passed the afternoon until Portland, where I went downstairs to the lower levels to watch this drunk chick tell us all about the jail house and other features of Portland. It was also where this older Hispanic guy kept trying to give me some vodka and Pepsi and then tried to convince me to go to the cafe/lounge with his so we could get drinks before his stop in Vancouver. Yeah, it was amusing up until the point that he said his daughter was about my age.

After Vancouver, I spent some time reading, and then hit up the lounge car with Justin and Paul and hung out until the stop for Centralia. Cory and Tim were late picking me up and I thought that I wasn't going to see them... Luckily, enough, this girl saw that I was waiting and was going to let me use her cell phone to call them, but they pulled up. It was all good, she even looked at them and informed them that they were late, much to my entertainment. Getting back to Oly was a nonevent, strictly straight forward including the rain. On the car ride there, though, I learned that Peter pretty much referred to me on the phone as though I was some sort of stray dog or something that was too much of a hassel for him to take care of. Rather annoyed my sister to that point as well, from what I gather. Annoys the fuck out of me.

Upon reaching home, though, I called my mother, and tried to get a hold of Arch as promised to no avail. Didn't call Peter, didn't want to after that wonderful goodbye at the station. After that, though, I called Lai and I talked to him for a while where I reached the conclusion that Peter's behaviour sounds suspiciously like what he described to me of his breakup (if you could call it that) with Marie. Wonderful. That was just an unneeded slap to the face sort of ending of the day that I didn't really need in the least. I wasn't too happy about this connection, as one might imagine.

Following that, though, I climbed onto the sleeping couch and watched Tim play Mortal Kombat: Deadly Alliance for some time before dozing. Cory told me to go to bed, and I did, only I couldn't sleep after I'd been woken up from my second wind. That offered one solution alone and I took it, calling up Jamie unexpectedly and spending some time on the phone with him.

Meanwhile, whilst on the phone with Lai earlier, I asked him to pass the message onto Sherzad to cancel SS's hosting account because I didn't have the money in the bank to afford it. And he did! And Sherzad did! So I didn't bounce anything this time. Yay.

Today I woke up around noon, didn't call back Peter after he called... (Hey, he had said he was going to call -last- night when I got in and he never did. Once again, I imagine that FFXI > Margo.) I don't know, I don't really want to talk to him right now, I don't feel right talking to him... I mean, after everything and all of these thoughts were never assayed, I just feel as though he thinks of me as nothing more than a waste of his time, some failed project of his after all of the time and things that we've shared... It's not this great feeling in any sort of the word. And I hate it.

I wish there was something that I could do that would make it go away and I realize know that there isn't. Some wonderful way to wake up in the morning and come to the realization that your boyfriend, that the person that you loved more than anything in the world can think of you and talk to your own fucking sister as though you were nothing more than some errant child of there's that they just wanted to abandon. And whether or not that -really- is how things, that's the only impression from him that I've gotten for so long that it's so hard to believe otherwise. I'm sure, I'll be told that I'm just reading things into everything, that's it's just my perception... You're damned right it's my perception, I've been shown nothing else and if that's how I see things, then there has to be something wrong and it's not neccesarily with -me-.

After waking up earlier today, or rather, yesterday, Cory and I just hung around and really did nothing, kicked back, watched some TV, watched some Farscape, ate some veggie-stuff and then went out after Tim got home to his brand new computer. There was quite some talk about me hacking off my hair and the like, and I kept tossing the idea around... When we came home, after buying Chicago on DVD (or rather, Cory did, I just bought the sequal to Kushiel's Dart), we made some pesto sauce and pasta and sat in to watch it. Following that and much deliberation, I gave the OK to butcher my hair and off it went. It's now about the same length of my shoulders and I don't know how I feel about that. Not sad, not upset... it's just different and I have to get used to it.

So now I'm sitting here on the computer, and I wanted to finish up this journal entry before I climb onto that god awful futon that I have to sleep on. I am so going to replace the matress as soon as I have the money.