Memories in Paraphrase

Rash of good things happening. Maintaining good things in therapy, I think. The family reunion thing slash grandmother's 90th birthday party went well.

Saw Repo! The Genetic Opera, which has music produced by my Yoshiki, so that was pretty awesome. sobloodycute tipped me off on it, and I watched it the other day when Alex was pussy footing around on IRC about whether or not we were going to RP. It's fun! Gory and pretty visceral but pretty good nonetheless, and I need it on DVD. Planning on doing that. It has Sarah Brightman in it, as well as Paris Hilton, and Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. xD The soundtrack is great, reminds me a bit of Dr. Horrible in its epicness, but different. I posted a quote on my wall on Facebook, and got a few responses with answering quotes. Pretty awesome about that.

Lastly, Krisael got a hold of me recently. Or I him, him getting on IRC, basically, and reconnecting. Which makes me giddy and happy all at once that we're talking again and who knows what will come of it, makes me feel a lot of other things, too. Good things I hope. Jon formerly from Aion threatening him not to behave like a douchewaffle amuses me greatly. Not that they talked, but I passed on the message dutifully.

One of my friends just posted on their LJ about how they wished they could just pack up and leave, moving 3000+ miles away. In retrospect, that's exactly what I did when I graduated. I think, when I was in New England this summer, I was a bit disappointed and deluded about how everyone I still talked to would be happy to see me, to hang out again. I thought that more people would call and make time to actually see me while I was there, and I was disappointed when I ended up seeing some people once (not CS~~, you're 8hrs away) or not at all. I saw Steph twice on my trip, and once was a total fluke because she ended up in NH when I was out there. It just makes you think, about the prospect that everyone is getting on with their lives and still moving forward, and that, no matter how much we may want, you can't just go back to how things were when you were younger.

I don't even know if I would want to. I was a pretty unhappy person when I was younger. And I think I'm finally on the right track in my life to be a happier person than I was then. 10-15 years ago, I was depressed, suicidal and in a situation I didn't have any control over. To think back on that reminds me that even though I've lost some of the friends I had then, I've still made new friends. More importantly, I'm a better person than I was then.

Enough reflecting.

Today I have to take my iPod back into the Apple Store and hope that it breaks this time, because it did last night, and it did it again last week. I'm hoping that the problem occurs in the store, unlike last week, so they can actually do something to fix it, because I'm pretty frustrated about the whole situation. It takes over an hour to resync my until music/movie collection onto it. That's right, I started a movie collection on it, and it's pretty fucking badass that I can watch TV shows and stuff on the freakin bus. Which, incidentally, does not stop the wanting for a bloody netbook.

My new apartment gets pretty warm when the sun's out. Southern facing windows ftw?

Dragon Age Origins is rocking my socks off right now. Such a fun game. I'm 25hrs into it, and working my way through the Deep Roads for the bloody pussy dwarves, the last mission before shit hits the fan with the politic baddie. I made Alistair proposition me, and I wonder if he'll get hurt if I boink the elf rogue? I can always buy his love back, I'm sure.

Taking a break from Aion, though, I really should just nose to the grindstone work out the last 220% of my level so I can go back to killing people and helping other people kill people. I don't want to play WoW, like Shattered and some of the Immortal people do. Boo to WoW, though, I admit, some base level of curiousity to seeing Icecrown Citadel. Such an addiction! Ugh. Cruising around a 310% drake is fun though.

Justin needs to get me a Demonoid invite. I want the other A23 rares album.

Casey and I bailed on A23 last night. He had gone to Haujobb on Friday at El Corazon and told me that the sound quality completely sucked, saying that the guy on the mixing boards and what not sucked. Not to mention, the concert didn't start until 9, and we both had places to be early in the morning. Granted, I wish I had known this a bit earlier in the day, instead of like... two hours before the show started, but it's cool. I was agitated last night but I'm pretty much over it now. Tom Shear lives in Seattle, and plays at the Mercury every now and again. Casey's roommate of awesomness, Dores, is a member at the Mercury, so we could get in pretty easy. So, bummed about not going, but I'm pretty much over it.

Not to mention, Casey mentioned reinstating movie night, and actually watching movies this time around. Which would be cool. Had a lot of fun the last time I was doing movie night with Casey, even though we never actually got around to watching movies that time. But it was good people, good food, good conversation, and the best quote, "Let's tap that bitch like a keg." Mwahaha.

Looking into new music. Right now Indian/Hindi mp3s and stuff. Learning all of the lingo and the artists is a bit hard, at least because it's so vast, but it's been good fun. Not to mention, it's completely over the top for me. I don't know the language at all, so I'm lost. Granted, I don't know German, but most of the German I listen to is either metal or electronica. Jessie doesn't like the music, so I can normally put it on to scare her out of my room, which is just as awesome, to be honest. Also started getting into some more industrial, stuff that's a bit harder than what I usually listen to. Stompier. Listened to the new Seabound album and loved it. I've listened to the new Nightwish single and didn't love it so much. Listened to part of the new album and... Meh. I don't know. I don't think the new vocalist has the necessary support and training to sustain the same sort of calibre of music that Tarja did. Which is a pity.

On top of all of that, doing pretty well. Entering into the next stage of this particular housing place, which is an interview and the release of information, as well as some other things, like looking over a lease. Which is exciting, because then it's another step to independence and a real life and all of that crazy stuff. Oh, and because I could have house guests, and maybe Murphy too, which would really mean a lot to me. I miss my feathered emokid.

L2 stuff's been pretty mellow. Working on putting together the mats for some crafts to hopefully make a profit on. Had to give Vina back the SOM I was using and so Nem was weaponless. Failed a FDS craft that was meant to be a replacement. Tile bailed me out and bought me a new SOM and Jeremy's helping me get a level 12 blue soul crystal to put Acumen on it. Probably this week. It's still hard to level because of my lag issues, which brings me to another problem altogether.

My computer is being utterly retarded. It sounds almost as though I have the same sort of virus that Justin said he had, that was attaching itself to high resource processes and lagging the system down. Which is pretty much what happens when I run L2 or try to burn CDs. So he had to reformat. My problem is that I -can't- reformat because I can't get the CDs to boot up in DOS. It just ignores the fact there's a CD in the drive after trying to read it and pops back into Windows. It's really frustrating. I have 3 copies of XP here, two burns and a legal upgrade copy from my dad, but I can't reinstall from Windows. I can't boot from the CD, so I can't reformat, so I can't fix my computer. I have no idea what the hell is going on and it's driving me nuts.

Hopefully, when I get my trust fund money, and I've paid off my debts, I'll buy a new computer. Which is sexy. It just means that I can't sell this one until I can get it fixed. Not that I imagine I would get a lot for it. It still does what I need it to do, just can't play L2 very well.

I second the notion of Kel and her husband moving to Seattle. It's awesome to have a close girlfriend again (since I don't get to talk to my current girl type friends as often as I would like). Even if we stay up later than intended laughing hysterically over retarded in jokes. She's my new cohort in evil as far as RP go. Even if we have to go to great lengths ot make sure that the originally side NPC that she grew overly attached to is happy in the end. Sometimes I think I should write all of this stuff out. And sometimes I wait for her to do it because I gave her permission to use the storyline. Various Theatres for the win.

Assemblage 23 (and SD6 and God Module) at El Corazon, Sept 9th. Not sure on the ticket prices are $15 and at the door. You can pick up advance tickets at Musicwerks or Ticketwest. Show's at 9, doors open at 8. Casey, Dores and I'll be there for sure. Anyone else interested?

Combichrist and Imperative Reaction are this weekend, but I didn't know about it and didn't buy my tickets ahead of time. Oh well. Probably not gonna bother with the Haujobb show on the 2nd, either.

I haven't updated with something real in ages.

What have I been upto? Running my SL stuff on BDI with Kel and an assortment of others, which I have just finished today. Thank god. At least the part with the 6 players involved. Never, never, never want to do that on IRC again because we couldn't start on time to save our lives. It was very annoying, especially when people were late after scheduling the times. And other things. Oh, how there were other things, but that might be a BRPS post rather than here.

I've been playing L2 a bit as well, getting in 2-3% every now and again, even with my computer being retarded. Sometimes with Eric around. Tagless, so much safer, people leaving me alone, it's glorious.

I'm doing better in my therapy! Beth says so and so does Liz! And me, too. It's just... hard to do some of these mindfulness things and what have you. Frustratingly hard. All of my triggers seem to be people and those relationships between them and me. It's hard, really, very difficult for me to get through and do.

Saw Labyrinth on Monday at the Vasrity Theatre. EPIC bulge, as predicted. Awesome, despite Amy's scary "zomg my jaw is weird" thing. She's alright, no worries folks, but it was strange anyhow. Amy is gonna take me to go see Stardust tomorrow, so I have to finish the book before then. It's a pretty easy read so far, I'm on page 150 of 336, so no doubt it'll be done before tomorrow. I also picked up a new Tanith Lee book I hadn't heard of before called Sung In Shadow, which is a retelling of Romeo and Juliet done in a manner that only Tanith Lee could accomplish. I liked it, it was pretty good.

Arch got me into The Birthday Massacre and Shiny Toy Guns. Rock on. I luff teh new muzzaks.

I went to the Within Temptation with Amy. And Sandy brought Heather along, another person whom I hadn't seen in god knows how long. It was pretty cool, everyone seemed to click and we had a good time just standing in line to get into the concert itself. Because Amy and I had gotten there so early, we were near to the front, alongside one of the tour busses and we got to stake out a pretty good place in the venue to watch. We were in front of the railing in the back and beyond it being hot because there was no fan pointed on us there, it was still a good place to be. We could see over the main floor crowd and actually watch the show.

Stolen Babies had played first. I'd never heard of them before, but they were pretty good. The lead singer was so tiny! And she had a great screaming voice and could growl like the best of them. It was incredible. And she played an accordian as well, and that was just made of win all around. It was pretty fun to just watch her rock out on the accordian in the middle of songs. She also joked around about how bloody hot and nasty El Corazon was. Talked about how her face was going to melt off. And damn, it really was. I know that we were all sweating buckets and ended up finishing our bottles of water long before Stolen Babies went on first.

Following them was of course what Amy and I had really gone to go see. Within Temptation took the stage about 15 minutes after Stolen Babies finished. We watched the band and techs set up their instruments and do sound checks and tune their instruments. They darkened the stage down and turned on the dry ice machine and the green lights and began performing Our Solemn Hour. It was amazing. Sharon den Adel is an incredibly powerful vocalist. She was amazing. Within Temptation was just incredible live. You could hardly see the drummer, or the keyboardist because of how they were lighting the stage but even so... Damned, they just sounded awesome live. Sharon den Adel has this great stage presence, too, and could really get the crowd into the music. When they were performing What Have You Done, she got one of the audience members to sing the male vocals, and he did a great job, better, I daresay, than the guy on the studio version. I was not at all disappointed in seeing them or going on 2 hours of sleep to see them.

However, after Within Temptation's set, probably due to the lack of sleep, the heat and the lack of water ($2 for a 12oz bottle of water is retarded, but expected), I was feeling pretty faint. Amy and I had come and seen who we wanted, so we decided to leave, and said goodbye to Heather and Sandy. We didn't get to stay for The Gathering or Lacuna Coil, but I don't think I could've stayed for Lacuna Coil anyhow, given how late they were going to perform, anyhow and my curfew. I hadn't thought about staying out late because I hadn't expected it to run that late. That was my naivete. Sandy also told me later that she and Heather went ouside because they were feeling somewhat faint from the heat as well. So, yeah. El Corazon needs to invest in more fans or central air or something. The venue was entirely too hot.

The concert was a very high point in last week. Despite the repeated bouts of insomnia and over drugging myself with sleeping pills... Well, not over drugging really, it's more like when I was taking them, I would get completely knocked out for 10-12 hours. It was ridiculous. I don't think it's unreasonable to cut my dose back to 50mg instead of the perscribed 75mg because of the effect. I'm not sure what's causing it. Maybe I'll move my alarm clock to the other side of the room because I think I'm turning it off in the morning before I'm fully awake and that's somewhat problematic.

I know I've been stressing out about something. I just don't know what. I saw Liz on Monday and I discussed it with her and we were going through the list of things that could've caused it. It's not environmental because things in my environment haven't changed. It's not related to people, because nothing traumatic has happened with people around me. It's not medicinal, because I've been taking my medications faithfully. Liz was hypothosizing that it could just be a low point in the chemicals in my brain or some such thing and that's what's causing it. It's hard to say, I'm not a doctor so I don't really know at this point. I just sorta have to believe what they suggest, or take what they say on faith and what not.

I do know that I've been stressing about my fucking phone bill. The one that's $150 a month because I'm paying for two lines instead of my own because someone, namely Stephen, hasn't paid me back so I can break the contract. I mean, he owes me more than enough money to use to break the contract, but I can't do it because I can't pay for rent, my phone and then this stupid $200 contract breaking fee on TOP of that all. It's frustrating the hell out of me. I want to get it all taken care of, I just don't know what the hell to do about it. I've even been thinking about selling off my MLP collection to afford it because I can't display them right now and I know that I could get at least $200 for the whole damned thing. I don't want to sell them, I really don't. It's not just the atypical Margo pack rat type thing, I love my ponies, and I've spent a good deal of money collecting them in all of this time, and what have you. It's just that it's the only thing that I can think of that if I sold I could actually get some money for. I don't have anything else of value on hand.

It's frustrating me greatly. Maybe I should go really pathetic and take up a Paypal collection.

Note: Can only receive incoming calls at the moment. Lame, I know, but I went slightly over my spending limit and they're annoyed with me. I need to attempt to negotiate with them tomorrow, probably in person, on how to get this all taken care of. Contract breaking fee and all.

Justin and I've started talking again. I think I incited it when I ranted in my last substantial entry about my frustration with exes and owing me money. Nonetheless, he at least has a better excuse for why he hasn't paid me back than Stephen has. Of that, I appreciate, certainly. I'm still frustrated just because of the position that I am in at the moment, and that I'm having a difficult time negotiating out of it. But, at least he got a hold of me. Since then, the conversations have been mostly mild and lightly done, discussing things like music. I knew I had liked him for a reason, he was always very good about getting me new music or new songs by bands I had already been into. And, apparently, he had picked up Sara Douglass's books, um... the Wayfarer Redemption and what not. So we've been discussing that a little bit and that's been amusing me to some degree as well.

It's just odd I've got exes popping up and getting a hold of me again. Peter in April, whom I did not reply to because I don't trust his motivations or reasons as to why he would write me. I still suspect it has something to do with my rekindled association with Sean, but, who can say? It just seems as though it's been a strange last 6 months or so. Sean, then Peter, then Justin. I mean, who else is going to pop out of the wood work?

Well, and then there was that guy who told me he had been watching and reading my LJ for the last 3 years but had never tried to get a hold of me before that night. Which, I confess, was a little strange. I couldn't get a straight answer out of the guy. And I don't know if that bothered me more, or if was the whole "I've been reading, but not said anything" thing.

That's not to say that meeting people via LJ is a bad thing. I mean, I know people who met their fiancee through LJ. I've met some awesome people from Livejournal. No one in person that I hadn't met elsewhere, or anything like that, but, there are some very cool, introspective writers on my friend's list that I rather enjoy reading their journals. (Some of those people don't post anymore, sadly.) But yeah, I mean... I don't know if I could sit there for three years and claim to read someone's journal, crush on them via that journal and then never say anything to them. And harbour this crush for like... that long, and date someone else at the same time. And then when it's finally out, because you broke up with your girlfriend that day or week or whatever, you ask them right away if they have a chance. It's a bit strange. There's no basis for it beyond being mutually single. I mean, a lot more conversation would've had to been required.

On top of all of that, I'm e-crushing again. Not on Joel (Alveon!) this time, though, I love sending him bizarre messages about what crazy plots I will inevitably have to execute in order to fulfill my desire of shagging him rotton. (The last plot involved a trench coat and plastic wrap. You do the math.) He's a really sweet guy from my clan on retail, whom, apparently no one realized we had been talking. (Not (sexy/ebil)Josh, not (good)Josh -though, we're not in the same clan anymore, anyway, not Furry or Shy, either, in case anyone is wondering). It's hard to say if anything will or can come from it. I enjoy talking to him a good deal, and we've spoken on the phone a lot in the last week or two or so. I'm fairly certain he likes talking to me as well, which is always a good thing. He makes me laugh and is a good deal more down to earth in the face of rabid emotions than I am. But, we've got all of the hangups from last year and that has started to rear its head with a vengeance as of late, I blame the burgeoning depression.

Besides that, and all of those emotional hangups on past events and people, and emotional baggage and fears and all of that... I mean. I have other reasons to hold back. The fact that I need to focus on me right now. There's.... some tenuous, barely formed and never, ever acknowledged... -thing- with someone who shall remain anonymous due to the public nature of this post. And that -thing- I have with that person, it's hard to say what will come from that, just that I'd be a fucking idiot to mess it up. The -thing- is just not emotionally satisfying due to the sporadic nature of when we get to talk, and let's face it, I've always been a very, very needy person.

Ugh. Spectres and ghosts still haunt me. The ghost of Adam tinting this association. This other person and our -thing- and the potential for it to not be just some undefiniable -thing- but some sort of real relationship. And what? I'm a fucking dreamer. I want my happy ending. I almost said it would be a bloody happy ending, but um, the connotations are all wrong for it. I want to be happy. I want both these guys to be happy, that's just the sort of person I am. And I'm not arrogant enough to suggest that I can make them both happy, because, come on, who the hell really knows that? There's just a lot of stuff and baggage that's hanging over me, the -thing- and my e-crush. Not to mention, I really do need to focus on me, and I should stay away from real, acknowledged relationships because somehow, that will probably stress me even more. Besides, the e-crush thing is a new thing, I shouldn't force growth or for myself to trust. Must remember the lesson I learned from Adam.

Despite all of that, it's not particularly stressing me out. Things will move as they are meant to.

But enough on that, I don't really think I can sit here and blather on about the subject much more, anyhow. Or really, anything else.

I am merely the product
Of the life that I've lived
An amalgam of sorrows
And the wisdom they give

But the weight has grown heavy
And its dragging me down
It's so hard not to sink now
But I don't want to drown

I'm damaged
But somehow I've managed
This far
But I don't know if I can find my way back home
I'm damaged
But somehow I've managed
For now
But I don't think I can face this on my own

There is beauty in hardship
There are poems in grief
There are trials we must go through
Though they may shake our beliefs

But I don't know how I got here
Lost in the cynical dusk
Set adrift in the worry
That I've no one to trust

I'm damaged
But somehow I've managed
This far
But I don't know if I can find my way back home
I'm damaged
But somehow I've managed
For now
But I don't think I can face this on my own

If to suffer is holy
I'll take my share of the pain
I can swim through this sadness
If there's something to gain

I can reach for the surface
And try to pull myself free
But the last thing I want is
To drag you down here with me

I'm damaged
But somehow I've managed
This far
But I don't know if I can find my way back home
I'm damaged
But somehow I've managed
For now
But I don't think I can face this on my own


Yes, I've discovered a few favourite songs off the new A23 and VNV albums. Damaged from A23, Illusion from VNV. Song lyrics will cease shortly, I just liked both of these songs a good deal. Honestly, I'll post a real post soon. :D

Oh, and the new Evans Blue album, Persuit Begins When This Portrayal of Life Ends is due out July 24th. I don't wanna wait, I just hope it's as good as the first one.